Dear Elizabeth
An old, rolled piece of paper
leaning on the cup holder, moved back and forth as the car rattles. Elizabeth,
in her late twenties, drove through the empty road surrounded by the fresh air
of morning. She was on her way back to home after getting rid of some useless
stuffs she have piled up in the attic. But she turned her path to the small
town she spent her youth, because of that letter on the bottom of the pile,
which brought some memories back. Buildings were lined up just like ten years
ago. Her memories of teenage still breathed through the familiar restaurants
and markets on the street; there Elizabeth could feel the warmth she couldn’t
meet for last ten years.
“Things haven’t changed.”
She parked the car at the
roadside to walk, in her hand holding the letter. Maybe she wanted to look back
to one of the trivial heartbreaks she’s been through, which seemed like a
collapse of her whole world once. Maybe she wanted to recall the ‘pain’ of her
youth and see how it has gone away as time passed. Walking along the street,
she began to read.
Hey, Elly. How's it going?
Well, you see, I'm having a hard time, after that "incident". I hope
you're not in much despair as I am, cuz' I feel like I'm living out the worst
days of my life. I can see you wondering why I have sent you letter, since I
had never gave you any letters before. But, I had to write my words in letter,
because I won't be able to see you in the face when I'm saying it to you. Elly,
despite all the time we have spent together and all the love we have given each
other, I think...I think..we should breakup. I see no hope nor future in our
relationship anymore. I know I still love you (although I don't know you have
the same feeling), but I think the time has come to say good bye.
She imagined a teenage girl
receiving a breakup letter, crying on her bed all day long; and she giggled. Every
sentence reminded her of the shameful moments. Elly thought of the times when
her love was so stupid, as an eighteen-year-old girl who knew nothing. Blushing
totally by a single eye contact, pretending to be the sweetest couple in the
universe… how stupid, how meaningless. Now she couldn’t even remember what
‘incident’ caused them to break up.
You know what? To be frank
now breaking up with you, all the accouterments I bought you, the gems, food,
restaurants, were actually fake. The event of our anniversary? It wasn't
actually our event. The name just happened to be the same with us luckily. The
time I told you that you look fabulous in front of the movie theater, I was
actually talking to the Darth Vader statue.
The crappy part of this letter
started here, she thought. His unserious jokes reminded her about the levity of
their relationship. Keep walking down the street, she passed the humble theater
where they used to watch movies together. Elizabeth could still remember
several of them, especially the Star Wars
they both loved so much. On the way out of theater, in excitement they
talked about the amazing fight scenes in the movie. But now, who cares. She
kept on reading.
One more thing, All the food
I bought for you? I all purchased with coupons. Not one penny of my money was
spent for you. If I didn't have any coupons, then I would not have bought anything.
“I know you were lying here.”
Elly and he liked to go to the
pizza house in the downtown. Once, when they were having lunch there as usual,
he suddenly stood up and rushed out of the door. After a few minutes he came back
with a wallet in his hand, saying that he didn’t want her to pay
all by herself because he forgot to bring his money. She had not eaten a piece before he came back, and they enjoyed the meal together. Elizabeth had no
idea why she is remembering this so vividly, but she just did. Coupons were a joke. ‘Why did he lie?’ she thought. Did he simply want to end up the
relationship as quickly as possible? Maybe, maybe not.
Everyday I told you "I
love you". In the midst of the sentence, I would stop and wonder whether I
was convincing myself. I love myself the most. But generally speaking, isn't
this what all people think deep in their hearts? One cannot love another, if he
does not love himself. I love myself sincerely. So, the fact that I was not
sincere to you means that you were simply just not lovely enough for me to love
you.
This had led young Elizabeth to feel despair and resentment.
However, weirdly, recalling that memories ten years later, what she could
remember was not those dark moods, but rather happier times spent together.
Just like the reverse from the movie Eternal
Sunshine, painful things vanished and it let her old days turn beautiful.
Or has the letter merely covered up their good memories, and time uncovered it so that
she could finally see it? Maybe, maybe not.
Believe me, I tried. Really hard. YOU made it
impossible. Have you ever tried to care about my interests? Do you know my
favorite car is a green Tico?
“Wow, I really didn’t know
that.” She laughed.
Am I hurting your feelings?
If so, good cuz' you deserve to be hurt. You are such a selfish creature. I
know every human has selfishness in themselves, but they at least try to
pretend they care about other people. I love myself, but I tell you that I love
you for the sake of it. You were selfish not just in your mind, but with your
acts as well. You never show any effort to tell me you love me. Do you even
love me? Well, I'm starting doubt it.
Ten years ago, the first
feeling in her mind was anger. Later, cold indifference replaced it. And
eventually, now, she could truly understand two mere kids back in that time: We
were young, immature and stupid. We hurt each other as much as we liked each
other. This first, and the last letter I received from you, is the evidence of our stupidity. But one thing I remember reading this, is that we
shared some happy moments of our youth, and this nonsense breakup doesn’t mean
that all of those memories now turned into a rubbish. At least, maybe…
“Maybe I loved you.”
But then again, your answer to this question
is no longer important. You've lost your chance, and it's too late.
As soon as she read this
sentence, she dropped the letter because of a sudden engine noise made by the
car rushing beside her. Being a little frightened, she turned back and picked
up the paper. She could recognize a green Tico slowing down, stopping on the
roadside nearby. The door opened, and it was obvious that ten years were not
enough to fade his face out from her mind.
“John.”
“Hi, Elly.”
Do you feel the pain? The
stabbing at your heart? Yeah, I'm feeling it too, only hundred times worse. You
should regret for not loving me as much you could've done. I don't think you
can find a better person than me. You have my words. Then, get lost, my sweetest
but most painful memory.
“So… how have you been?” said
Elizabeth.
“Well…. I’ve been through a
lot… ten years passed, you know.”
They walked together as they
did ten years ago. Everything in the town was the same, but John and Elly
became totally different people from the ones in the time time they were lost
in love. They stopped by the park and sat on the bench next to the fountain.
Waterdrops glittered in the noon sunlight.
“Do you remember how we used
to hang around at this park, Elly?”
“Yes I do. That was an
everyday routine for us.”
After a slight hesitation,
John began to talk.
“I… I want to apologize you,
Elly. For that crappy letter I sent you. It was so stupid… I am to blame. All I
want is just to tell you sorry. When I realized that I was wrong, you
already had left our town and it was too late. I know you’ll not like me anymore,
but still, I thought I should tell this to you.”
Elizabeth tightly held the
breakup letter in her hands. Then she crumpled it up, and threw it to the
fountain behind. It fell down with the waterdrops and slowly sank down to the
floor. Elizabeth gazed at the sky. Its clear blue washed out all the worries
inside her.
“Wanna watch movie, John? New Star Wars series is on screen now.”
“...Oh, of course!” A little surprised, John
answered.
“……”
“...Elly, you look fabulous
today.” said John.
Silence lasted long between
them. Both were smiling like they used to.
“Really, I mean you.”
"Sincerely", Your Ex
